School thunderstorm: what to do if your child is mocking other children

At first glance, it seems that the main causes of bullying are uncontrolled teenage aggression, inability to manage emotions and establish relations with peers. However, poor behavior is just a symptom. What happens in the soul of a child who is mocking other children, where to look for the roots of the problem and, most importantly, what to do to parents if their child turned out to be the main “villain”?

With the word “persecution”, each parent is concerned: does anyone offend his child. We tend to idealize our own children, and therefore we rarely think that a son or daughter may not be a victim, but an aggressor. However, as the family therapist Jennifer Knnon notes, “every child is able to participate in bullying, even if he looks like an angel”.

Why do children choose grass?

Hooligan, who haunted classmates, is unlikely to cause sympathy. But when our own child is involved in the persecution, we may have conflicting feelings. Of course, such behavior cannot be ignored, but before moving on to specific actions, it is useful to find out what is the cause of aggression. What problems the child is trying to solve in this way? What is happening in the soul of a teenager who chose the role of the aggressor?

Family therapist Ronald Mah distinguishes two reasons why the child can participate in the persecution: “Firstly, children who are successful among peers, use bullying as a way to maintain the faith of others in their strength and influence. Secondly, those who themselves once encountered injustice are often engaged in bullying and now consider themselves entitled to oppress others. “.

Canadian psychologist Gordon Neifeld believes that by studying the injury in the children’s team, we often give excessive significance by behavioral manifestations, losing sight of the root of the problem: “Aggression in relation to peers is closely related to violations of attachment. If the child feels vulnerable, this leads to the desire to dominate others. He exploits their weakness, which is the essence of bullying “.

The need for close, safe relationships is one of the basic for the child. Therefore, if he lacks support and acceptance of parents, it is difficult for him to build a healthy relationship with peers.

“I saw children who at home felt disenfranchised invisible, and at school engaged in bullying,” says the psychologist and teacher Gail Gross. – the child needs love and respect for adults, primarily parents. And if he does not receive this house, he does not feel significant and becomes vulnerable. These feelings turn into anger and resentment, which he after which he takes out on classmates “.

How to react to parents?

According to Neifeld, it is important that next to the child is a caring and understanding adult who will help him to realize his feelings, react with acceptance, will show another example of a relationship. If such an adult is absent, a teenager will inevitably seek understanding and support among peers with similar aggressive impulses.

Gail Maclem, author of the book “Gunning: Social Power in Children’s Groups” (Bullying and Teasing, Social Power in Children’s Groups), recommends that the reasons forced your child to participate in the persecution. Perhaps it is difficult for him to cope with the attack of anger or he is trying to win the recognition of classmates, which means that in fact he lacks confidence.

Help your son or daughter see your own value, regardless of what peers think. Maclem advises to explain to the child that he always has a choice of how to behave with others. Offer to reflect how he would have felt if he had mocked him. The development of emotional intelligence and empathy skills is the most effective way to prevent aggressive behavior in the future.

Even if a teenager has long been higher than you, he is still a child and needs help and love. Our task is to teach him how to cope with his own feelings, to show that relations are possible without violence and aggression. In addition, this is an occasion to ask a question to ourselves: what are we doing when we are overwhelming anger or resentment, what words would help us at a difficult moment. Share our own experience, to admit that we also tend to be annoyed or angry, it can be much more effective than edification and moralizing.

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